Long Distance Relationships Woes & Loneliness

It's 3:53 am on a saturday night and I just got back home. On first thought it'll sound like i just got in from the club.... this time last year, I would've been tipsy, drunk talking witha bunch of friends, and then going to my main squeeze's apartment to crash on the couch.

In many ways, I've changed in a year, and a lot of it has to do with being in a relationship. It was no secret that most of my friends were/are female, and sometimes i flirted with them, and sometimes i didn't... sometimes there was a make-out here and there, or sex here and there, and sometimes there wasn't... pretty much I liked the attention that came with being single and having multiple "friends."

I'm in a relationship now, and although I love my girlfriend, i can't help but crave that attention every now and then.. I've cut most of my female "friends" off, or at least limited interactions with them, and for the most part it's known information that i'm taken.

Back to the present... It's 3:59am now, and I'm sitting at my friend's place alone. No girl, no friend.. no one. My girlfriend is in another state fast asleep...or I think she is anyways. It's moments like these that u'd just love to have someone to lay with... whether she comes home with u, or was alseep when u sneaked into the bed, it really doesn't matter. All that matters is, there is someone laying in the bed with u. That feeling is irreplaceable.

It sucks to have someone a world away, and every now and then I get the itch to just call up someone and say, hey... let's just lay down and watch a movie.. I'd like the company. But of course with relaytionships comes boundaries and restrictions.

I knew what I was getting into when I got in it, and even though it is proving to be very difficult, I'd like to feel like it will be all worth it in the end.

With relationships like this, it always seems that we're working against all odds... Long distance relationships always has some form of cheating... it's expensive... it gets lonely...and attention is sort elsewhere. It's an uphill task, and right now, I'm not feeling very strong.

Fears, Trust & Bad Behaviour

It's interesting.... when I initially started this blog I had all intentions of writing stuff more frequently, and confess some of my deepest secrets and fears. I guess when there's nothing to confess then there's nothing to write.... until today.
Fears & Trust... too words that in my opinion go together like peas and carrot. In all honesty, my fears have cost me countless relationships in my lifetime. I was scared me and my ex would not work out so I broke up with her.... I'm scared people are lying to me to my face... I have used my fears as an excuse to run away from almost everyone I thought would hurt me in some way or another in the future. I can't trust.... I don't know when and how I lost all my innocence and ability to take people's word. I remember when I believe most of what people told me, and kept it as bond until proven otherwise, but now I take everyone's word as a lie before I prove it as the truth.
Am I just looking into the mirror and seeing what a disgusting lying son of a bitch I am. The fact that I'm very nice and sweet on the outside, but on the inside I'm this evil, sinister, selfish person who will stoop low to get his way. I parade myself as an understanding, calm person, but deep inside, I'm very judgmental and paranoid. Am I the only one like this? Is this what relationships are like? Who can pose like they care less about it?
The thought that I love scares me... maybe that's the reason I look for every reason to believe the person I might have fallen iin love with is not a real person, but rather a fake make-belief girl who had lied her way to my heart.
Sometimes I feel very misunderstood... so misunderstood that I myself can't understand myself. It is what it is I guess.
Today I did something out of my fears... my mistrust, and even though I feel like I shouldn't have done it, I can't help but think there was some benefit there. On one hand I think she's lying, and on the other hand I think she's not.... One thing I do know is that she probably was the way I think she was back in the day. Why else would there be all this hiding, and cover up? From your friends i can tell the kind of person you are... From your former roomie, to ur best friend both here and abroad, they all have questionable traits that would be classified as loose, but then again what is loose sef? Half the girls I know can be classified as loose based on previous standards, so I guess we have a new base line then. I don't know... I really wont care if I wasn't so paranoid.... probably cos I have the same past myself. I'm just looking at the mirror and seeing my reflection. They say you attract people most like you, and if that is true then I guess I have a big case on my hands.
My fears... my fears.... I swear if I let go of my fears and trust, i hope it works out for the best, and I don't end up playing the fool... like everyone has to once in their life time. It's a gamble!

Welcoming Myself

Welcome to my blog. This is my very first post and this blog will serve as my memoirs so to speak. Almost like a diary of stuff happening to me.