Fears & Trust... too words that in my opinion go together like peas and carrot. In all honesty, my fears have cost me countless relationships in my lifetime. I was scared me and my ex would not work out so I broke up with her.... I'm scared people are lying to me to my face... I have used my fears as an excuse to run away from almost everyone I thought would hurt me in some way or another in the future. I can't trust.... I don't know when and how I lost all my innocence and ability to take people's word. I remember when I believe most of what people told me, and kept it as bond until proven otherwise, but now I take everyone's word as a lie before I prove it as the truth.
Am I just looking into the mirror and seeing what a disgusting lying son of a bitch I am. The fact that I'm very nice and sweet on the outside, but on the inside I'm this evil, sinister, selfish person who will stoop low to get his way. I parade myself as an understanding, calm person, but deep inside, I'm very judgmental and paranoid. Am I the only one like this? Is this what relationships are like? Who can pose like they care less about it?
The thought that I love scares me... maybe that's the reason I look for every reason to believe the person I might have fallen iin love with is not a real person, but rather a fake make-belief girl who had lied her way to my heart.
Sometimes I feel very misunderstood... so misunderstood that I myself can't understand myself. It is what it is I guess.
Today I did something out of my fears... my mistrust, and even though I feel like I shouldn't have done it, I can't help but think there was some benefit there. On one hand I think she's lying, and on the other hand I think she's not.... One thing I do know is that she probably was the way I think she was back in the day. Why else would there be all this hiding, and cover up? From your friends i can tell the kind of person you are... From your former roomie, to ur best friend both here and abroad, they all have questionable traits that would be classified as loose, but then again what is loose sef? Half the girls I know can be classified as loose based on previous standards, so I guess we have a new base line then. I don't know... I really wont care if I wasn't so paranoid.... probably cos I have the same past myself. I'm just looking at the mirror and seeing my reflection. They say you attract people most like you, and if that is true then I guess I have a big case on my hands.
My fears... my fears.... I swear if I let go of my fears and trust, i hope it works out for the best, and I don't end up playing the fool... like everyone has to once in their life time. It's a gamble!
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